The painted rock I received as a gift says, “I am enough…” and I do tell myself that,.
But I don’t really believe it.
It was the most innocent of conversations. I listened to what the person said and I hoped they had no clue how their words had cut into me. I smiled, I chatted, I finished the conversation. I pretended the words didn’t cut into my very soul. And I didn’t confront them.
They are just words I told myself. Easy to say. But not true. Keep the peace.….
But, I didn’t believe at all what I told myself. They were not just words.
Then, I went to the couch..you know, my “Safe Haven”. And I processed what I had just heard.
Yep, that’s really what they said. And surely enough, that old thought, ”I am not enough” crept back in. No, it didn’t creep in, it roared in. It overtook me. It paralyzed me.
And so, once again, I was back on the couch..wanting to pull the old prayer shawl up over my head again, the prayer shawl that had been through thick and thin for all these years: the shawl that has healed so much over those`same years.
It’s as if every thought that I have ever had about not being enough came back like a dragon and it consumed me, breathing fire-breath into my very soul. Wow!
A paroxysm…that sudden, uncontrollable outburst of emotion that even the Greeks recognized and named.
They say an old hurt, an old wound, gets scabbed over and looks healed, often, until something happens and the scab gets pulled off. And then the old wound is back. Deeper. Uglier. Meaner.
And this time, my old wound opened up again.
I don’t know when the wound first came…probably a long time ago. It has felt like an old but very mean friendship.
But it does open back up depending on my stamina, my mental alertness, and my ability to keep from being surprised by something that is said or done. Surprise is sometimes the worst trigger….that’s when it washs so violently over me.
At any rate, I do know that my rational thoughts can be obliterated by the old wounds’ fury, especially when I am surprised.
My first reaction when I heard what the person said was, ”Why? Why is this happening to me? “
Isn’t that the question we tend to ask ourselves during every bout with grief? “Noooo…can’t be….nooooo, not me…why! “
And my rational self knows all of the techniques to deal with it, once I am my rational self again.
The hard part is getting there.
Now……there is a bigger challenge out there that goes beyond putting the hurtful words and actions in a place that doesn’t hurt so much. It’s dealing with the grief once and for all. It’s treating the wound so that it heals well.
And that’s the challenge of how I have to slay “my” dragon. So that I work on what’s really wrong. So that I don’t have the debilitating thought that I’m not enough.
Once and for all. Rational. Emotional. Healed.
I don’t have the answer to the question of why. Or how. Not today. But it does seem to be something so important that I should be looking at it. And perhaps I should be doing it not too many tomorrows from now.
So I will start…and how will I do that?
I’ll be on the couch…my safe haven…researching “How to Slay Dragons…”
I’ll keep you posted. ❤️
You are one of the smartest, kindest, and most creative ppl I know, and your heart is pure gold. If you aren't enough, then there is very little hope for the rest of us. The question is, "what is enough?" Enough is an individual measure-
ment. What is enough for one person is not enough for another. Also, one who recognizes that he/she is enough is also savvy enough to recognize that this does not preclude "more." For instance, when will you have taken "enough" pictures? When will I have read "enough" books? When does a person have "enough" friends? And, for now, I think I have written enough.
I felt heartache that someone could possibly make you feel that way! People can be so very cruel and it makes me feel anger at thoughtlessness others can impose on to others without a second thought as to what they are doing or saying! You are by far, one of the nicest people I know, and to me,.....you shine like a diamond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The difference does not seem trivial at all🌻
I was asked during my Eagle Scout board of review how I handled people who said hurtful things to me. My answer then and now is the same. The first thing I consider is who said it and do I consider them someone who I think is worthy of comment to me. I can almost always dismiss their comments right there.
Despite today's "don't judge me" attitude, judgement is alive and always will be.
I am fully open and willing to hear people with whom I disagree and even act on their concerns. I think my history substantiates that.
The difference may seem trivial, but it is actually pivotal.
I carefully read and re-read your blog. I was touched by how much it mirrors my feelings the last year. As social workers we more often than not deal with the most horrific situations and go home to our safe places...get up and do it all over again. This year has been one of transformation for me...and I am a work in progress. Grief, loss, hurt, fear and happiness all share parts of me because for years I pushed it aside and trudged on. One day at a time of writing down my thoughts to refer back to, and trying to maintain healthy boundaries without building walls is a daily goal. Thank you for sharing...it has been very helpful ❤️